Kayla is the apple of our eye(s). She is our world, our happiness and joy. We fuss over her more than we need to, smother her with kisses against her will and hold her down to hug and cuddle her even though she protests with "mommy! nooo!" because she's trying to reach for Elmo/her blocks/her stuffed toy/things she shouldn't be touching/[insert object name here].
I had a hard time after Kayla was born and I am still afraid of having another child. I do get that twinge of baby fever once in a while and I miss being pregnant. I had a fabulous pregnancy: no morning sickness, awesome sleep and gave birth to a healthy, happy full-term baby. Even the labor and recovery wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
Because of the severe depression I went through, I don't want to go back to The Dark Place and while I now understand my triggers and Dr. G will always be there for me, I'm not sure if I can mentally handle the stress of a newborn/young infant. As they say, the second time around is always easier but is that the same for folks who have suffered and recovered from postpartum depression? That, I'm not so sure.
I'm in a happy place right now. I like the way things are; Kayla is 2, she's hilarious, we've overcome tons of hurdles and I'm glad that she's now able to communicate her feelings (for the most part). We're having fun and although we currently have some sleep challenges, things are good.
But sometimes I worry that Kayla will be lonely. It's probably not the same playing with mom and dad as it is with other kids and although we have many friends who have kids the same age as Kayla, I'm not sure if it's the same. I remember when my sister and I were kids, we would spend rainy days building forts and tearing apart the living room/bedrooms or playing house. At night, instead of sleeping, we'd play Wonder Woman or whatever crazy game we invented when we weren't tired. As a single child, how can Kayla do that? Am I denying her the joy of having and caring for a sibling? I loved sharing a room with my sister when we were kids; it was fun and if ever I got scared, I would just go sleep in her bed beside her or vice versa.
So I feel this tremendous guilt of Kayla being an only child and sometimes I get the urge to have another baby but then remember how horrible the depression was and that makes the baby fever dwindle down to a fleeting thought. I hear from friends who didn't have any siblings say that they were lonely growing up and wished they had a sister/brother. Sure, they played with cousins and friends etc but when they went home, it was just them, mom and dad and playing with mom or dad just wasn't the same. Will Kayla feel this way? Will she resent us for not having another baby to play with? Will playing with friends, her cousins and neighbors be enough for her?
DH and I have had several brief conversations this and I think the only way that I could have another baby with my sanity intact is if he stayed home for the year. For me, the isolation and feelings of suffocation were the worst however, DH is a much more relaxed parent than I am and probably wouldn't obsess over the things that I did. I thin the only thing we would have to seriously discuss are the financial impacts around him staying home and me working. I'm a pretty good saver and I always have money socked away in several accounts so I'm not too worried about being stretched too thin.
So this will continue to be a battle in my mind for the next little while. It wasn't so much as an issue or even a thought when she was a baby however, now that she's older and I see the way she loves playing with kids, I'm starting to wonder about my decision of only having one child.





